I’ve been having a lot of doubts about my vocational direction. I know I’m being guided but it’s not happening fast enough from my ego’s point for view. My monkey mind was on high alert. So when I have a chance to do the Goals and Resistance course from Larry Crane I jumped on it. I know I have resistance I just didn’t know how insidious and resilient my resistance is. I have uncovered mountains of resistance that are of Himalayan proportion. As I work through releasing the negative emotions my mind got clearer. I am the one that has been blocking my own way. Resistance born out of fear. What would happen to my relationship with my family if I go on to do what I’m guided to do? What would happen to my relationship with my friends? What would happen if I fail? What would happen if I succeed? May be it is better to not proceed past the drawing board etc….
It is interesting how resilient my mind is in making sure I don’t think out of it’s box. It is not the enemy, my mind is doing what it is suppose to do. The mind is a tool to create our reality and if it flows with the wind from the moment we are born we would have a hard time figuring out which end is up. It has to have the ability to hold a structure and also the ability to let us change it if we so desire. Resistance is not the enemy, it is just our mind asking “Are you sure you want to do this?” It takes effort and conviction to say yes to change. I don’t know how long this would take, I just want to release one resistance at a time and see what happens next. I know I’m getting more moments of happiness and I release easier with each passing day. The less muck you have the more you notice them when they come up and they come up easier cause you are not suppressing them as much. My biggest realization is that I want to save my family, my friends, every one in short. What an egomaniac! As if they need saving. They are exactly where they want to be. Free choice. We all have free choice to take the scenic route. It is my lesson to learn to let go of controlling others for my own sake. It is my lesson to learn to let go of my resistance of their choices and accept them no matter where they are at. It is my lesson to let go of disappointment and the sense of failure. It is not my job to change them. My job is to be.
The energy has been really crazy since the new moon on Thursday. I felt it on Wednesday actually. I could hardly sit still during meditation which is not common for me. Sleep was not easy since I have so much energy all the time. Things settled a little bit by Friday. But then may be my nerves are just too fried to give a hoot any more. If you have been going nuts lately you are not alone.